We, parents, are getting to know about that in an office of the head of children's hematology department. Our child was placed here for check up two or three days ago…

-Your son (daughter) has leucaemia.

Your consciousness can not grasp at once what has been said. In the beginning we are almost indifferently just soaking in the information: leucaemia …that is, leukemia, that is, blood cancer…treatment will last 8-9 months… mother will be placed at the hospital as well…hard polichemotherapy…course of radiation treatment…results are very similar to European ones… 75% of survivals…

Thus, the problem of theodicy, that was at best a philosophical matter for you, is turning to be the fact of your and your child's biography.

*

A question "WHAT FOR?" never leaves in peace and is striving out. Why, is it punishment? But do we really deserve it? Why it happened to my child?.. However, in the moment of silence a heart suddenly gives the right answer. And it is not something joyful: "There always is something to be the reason. Sins have stuck to us and even to our kids as a black train. We put our hand on heart and realize: if God justly rewarded all our sins, something more horrible would wait for us, something much more horrible. But God forgives us again and again, He forgives us, those who kneel down before Him in repentance. Does it mean that a child's sickness is not necessarily a punishment for our sins? "Or those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them - do you think they were more guilty then all the others living in Jerusalem?.."

Then we have another question: "WHY?" How come? What is the origin of this sickness?.. The answer is also not in the abstract moralization, it is simple and primitive. This sickness comes from Chernobyl isotopes that were spread around the Ukraine when our children were not even conceived. It comes from the water we drink, from the exhaust, asbestos construction materials, ozone holes…We are all together successfully destroying the world, calling it a progress and paying for that with the health and lives of our children. Our sins are beating us, destroying and killing. Thus, sin of careless engineers who draw a project of power station in a slipshod manner influenced millions of people with its horrible consequences...

But we are not satisfied with this answer. Yes, we understood the reasons, but why God did not hide my child from this horror? .. He is Almighty, it was not a problem for Him, isn't it?

And we are grievously coming to the third question: "WHAT IS THE REASON?" It is more frightening question then the previous two. But only it brakes through the dead end of children's consciousness and fills it with not quite understandable but real meaning. Our life has purpose again. It does not matter that we can not understand why and how pain and sufferings come into this world. But we know that God shared all that with us and, moreover, through His death on the cross He filled this question with importance. There is no salvation beyond the Cross. And when it is given to us, the most important thing is not to fall under its weight or turn to the other way down, explaining to oneself that it is much easier to go that way...

The way is horrible in fact. And the idea that appears in one's head seems to be so scary, wrong, even shameful that we are trying to get rid of it. But it comes again and again: "If it is not a punishment, then what it is? .. Could it be …that it is a …gift?"

...Probably neither my wife nor I would ever find strength to say it out loud (though, as it turned, we both thought about that) if not our 8-year old son. He said that being bald and exhausted after the first two-months - course of chemotherapy.

In such a way God is revealing himself to us in abyss and darkness. And we do not regret that we are here. We bite our lips and go on. It is a long way to complete recovery. ..The main thing is to keep going because God Himself is the WAY.

*

In the country that has been our motherland for such a long period o time and made itself an idol out of atheism, ugly, caricature principles of godless humanity have being formed. A person whose life is in danger is not informed about that. Just the opposite takes place: no one tells him about his sickness and even hides the information from him!

It seems that fallaciousness of such lie is obvious: it does not give a chance to mobilize strength for recovering (remember 4th stage of cancer that Solgenitsin managed to overcome by his will in 1960s.). And even death is such event in life that a person should be ready for.

Thanks God, we, Christians, do not have another way than telling the truth. Any type of truth. However, how can we tell a child about serious oncological thickness? This truth is very hard… Nevertheless, we can not escape it.

Not once we watched such scene in a ward. Parents categorically did not want to tell the truth to the child. Do you think their kid is in happy ignorance? Not at all. Young patients quickly collect information from the parts of parents' conversations, from getting to know what kind of thickness other children in the ward have. And their logic works this way: "other children know that they have cancer and do not grieve. But I am not told about my sickness because my situation is worse. I can not be healed and, perhaps, I will die soon". Such a child gets depressed and stops fighting for his life. It is good if parents agree to follow doctors' advise and seriously talk to their son or daughter. Usually the next day the situation is different, you can hardly recognize the child. He is enjoying life and ready to fight for it.

…Does it seem to you to be a paradox? Not at all. Your honesty is security bond between us, grown-ups, and our children. This trust shall be until the final edge. This is pledge of love. Neither hope nor faith will ever grow in a lie that was said even out of the best motives. For God in whom we trust is the TRUTH.

*

We can see God more clear here. It was easier for us not to notice Him in busyness of everyday life. Here you feel His presence too well. It is not presence that is in heavenly throne but on the Cross…

We could be in a conflict with Mr. Creator, argue with Him and constantly ask the same meaningless (but they seemed very proud and independent) questions that have already become "commonplace"… but the first days in separation change everything. The world is left beyond the hospital walls. We are thrown out of it for months, we will live here, in isolation fighting with blood cancer. And useless emptiness of the questions falls, we are facing our Savior. Each family, child, mother has his or her own time for such a meeting. It is hopeless to speed it up in our conditions. It seems that attempts to "narrate" about Christ go in nowhere. Those who came from the outer world of healthy and safe do not accept it.

Whose words are these?… "I do not have right to preach to those who I care for…It looks as if I am bargaining my faith: I help a sick person, and he feels obligated to pray as I want…That is why until I am asked about Christ I keep silent about this topic. I am just trying my best to help His light shine through me".

In fact, why do we always try to start TELLING about God? It is said: "Not many of you should presume to be teachers" (James 1:3) and again: "In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven" (Mth. 5:16).

The main sermon for our children is not in reading the Bible with them and memorizing commandments. It is in living with them, sharing pain, coming for help, rejoicing in victories. It means unselfishly be close, be near just like God who said about Himself that He is the LIFE.

*

But there are some situations when doctors can not help. Dying…How shall we behave and communicate with children in such situation? ...It is scary - to be near. But to leave them dying alone is impossibly meanly. How shall we tell them about our hope and remind about God's light not to make it sound false?.. Isn't their condition an absolute despair from the fact that they should die in such an early age?

I asked priest, confessor Vladimir, about that, for he used to talk to dying children.

-You know, said Vladimir being a little confused, - children percept death in a different way, much better than we do they sense that it is a way to another world. They think in a childlike way - and they are right! - that it is not something we should be afraid of. They just do not want or feel sorry to separate with parents, friends but they do not have fear in the face of leaving this world. However, I can be wrong...

I do not think he was wrong. Do you want to know what many people can not believe but what we have seen many times in our hospital department? Very often it is not us who lead our children to God but them leading us. Through their sickness, their fragile lives and even through their dying they teach us, support us, comfort and bring us to the church.

Sashka was 4. The sickness was spreading and one can not help him. In the last days, parents took the boy home from the hospital. When they came home, Sasha suddenly asked "Shall we go to the church tomorrow?" His parents were Orthodox Christians but actually they just follow the traditions but not their faith and that is why they seldom attended the church.

On the death day in the morning, Sashka had an acute pain in legs, he cried. Then he calmed down, got up from the bed and in a calm way said good buy to everyone: "I will go, you know that..." He laid back in his bed and…silently went away...

11-year-old Natasha was the first one, who accepted Christ in her family, she began attending evangelical baptist church. It happened shortly before her sickness. Her mother came to Christ when she was at the hospital with her daughter.

Natasha was smiling, writing poems and dreamed of recovering. But in her situation medicine could not do anything.

The girl knew she was dying. Doctors saw as she was calmly saying something to her mother on the way to reanimation. Yes, she was asking her mom to stand firm! She was asking to pray for her father who was not a believer. ...After Natasha's death her father also came to Christ.

What can we give to these children? Help us, God, to learn from them! They are waiting for us just to be near! Let us be ready to help tem with bedpan, to read a book, to answer a question, to support not with words of faith but with living faith, sincere and unselfish love. What is more, that will be done by the One who opened eternity for us through His sufferings and Who is the DOOR leading to eternity.

*

Sometimes it is difficult for onlooker to understand that 9 months spent in the hospital department are not wasted time but abundant life. "Moms" are cooking "additional food" in the kitchen, they are chattering for a long time in the evenings, making hairstyles to each other… Children are rushing into a playroom, being "disconnected" from medicine droppers. Sometimes they are too active and need some restraining. What are that shout in the corridor? Boys-"leukemiers" who are finishing their treatment gathered a "gang" of Cossack- brigands from those who have recently got sick and are on therapy (that is why should not even appear in the corridor). Scared mothers of "recruits" rebuke the atamans (gang-leaders) without even noticing the paradox of their own words:

- Not everyone is as healthy as you are!…

Main distinguishing feature of life here is time as if being considerably stretched. It is time of a child under dropper. It is time of the mother sitting at the bed of uneasily sleeping son or a daughter (and all the blood showings are at zero level the third day, and how he or she still lives is a big question). In this time, in silence and lowliness that are falling on you with all its weight you suddenly begin sensing the Presence. And, perhaps, the first time, you address Him with prayer.

- A child himself has nothing against the Church and God - says confessor Vladimir, - if his parents do not prevent him from doing that. It is especially true for the child in such condition. Not only sick children need God but their parents are also overwhelmed with the need to clean their souls and hearts before Christ.

You can find a small icon almost on each bedside-table. At the first time it stands on the same place but then it changes its position. It means somebody took it, held in hands, thought and addressed the Original looking at His picture.

Sometimes "moms" are getting together in the evening not to chat about life but to pray together. An a child before going to sleep is looking at his small body (underclothes) - cross for a long time and holds it tight in his hand.

Only when you learn to notice these fleeting outer signs, you understand that FAITH is alive in these medical wards.

*

I will repeat myself: this beginning of faith in God is carefully guarded by the children, mothers and doctors from the strangers or interference of the outer world. They are more likely to open their inner life to us, parents of children who have already finished the treatment and live at home (and we keep visiting new patients of children's hematology). Shall I say what are they making us responsible for without even knowing that?

Only when the questions are asked, when we are invited to address God together in prayer, when little patients and their parents understood that they belong to the Church, only then the time comes for telling about God. For in one's searching for God one shall not accidentally miss the Christ.

The most important thing is not to move to sweet pattern, fairy tale or general words. These children are capable of perceiving the most deepest thing: mystery of the Blood that was shed for us (having needles from droppers in their veins, they know more about blood than whoever), mystery of the Sacrifice. They can grasp the mystery that there is no death, everything is in God's hands and they shall not, they must not in any case to loose courage.

Holidays are the best days to learn rejoicing about the Lord (isn't that the reason they were given by God?). When there are Christmas or Easter celebrations all the children who can however walk leave their wards and come to see it. Some of them come with their droppers, in masks (not carnival but gauze masks). Those who are bed-ridden know that they will not be left behind: they will be visited, congratulated, given a present and reminded they are not alone!

...There was the year 2000 coming from the birth of little Christ. Dragon's muzzles were looking at us from each TV program and postcard…We decided to respond to all that in our show.

The angel has already brought to the shepherds good news, famous "Holy night" had been sung…And suddenly a big dragon rushed in a playroom. His head was made of a big balloon and his body, made of paper, was hanging down and dragging behind the balloon. Dragon claimed his rights to this year and said that all who gathered in the room belonged to him, not to the baby Jesus.

- People claimed this year to be mine!… They have forgotten about baby Jesus, they celebrate me! I am the winner!

- No! - exclaims the Angel. - It is the time of your fall, not your victory!

- Who is like me? Who can fight with me?!..

- They can! - the Angel shows to the sitting children.

- These?.. - Dragon is laughing. - They are little! Week! Sick!

- Yes, it is them, little and sick, who will have to destroy the forces of this world by the power of the newborn Child. They are a very little and week Christ's herd. And you will never overcome them!

Then one o the little boys squeezing a sward in his hand (covered with blue signs from intravenous catheters) given by the angel attacks the dragon in the head and it is bursting into pieces. ...For there is a certain kind of victory, and when you get it you are not afraid o anything, even horrible sickness because Christ has brought in the world one more great gift. That is HOPE.

*

And here comes the most important moment. No sermons or narration can substitute its importance. It is time of living life of the Church. A child comes to the personal meeting with Christ. Eucharist, communion with the Body and Blood of the Savior.

A priest comes to the department. All the "walking" children as well as their mothers are gathering together in one of the wards ( and it is turning to be very small). One by one they are coming to the priest in the corner and confessing their sins. Then a priest takes the Cup…

There is neither patient nor mom, nor doctor…But Christ is all in all.

The Meeting in the form of Bread and Blood takes place in this silence. And there is an ultimate conclusion of doctors' sleepless nights, tiredness of moms by turn being on duty at the beds of those kids whose parents had to go home for a while, kind hands of medical sisters who can reach even the thinnest vein from the first try, eyes of 5-year-old Katya who can hardly stand up from the bed to walk and said to the new coming crying mom with a child: "Please, do not cry, everything will be fine!" in this moment...

For God whom we meet here in the hospital is LOVE, indeed.